


Only Then I Am Human

by Gleedegrassibigfan



Series: What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo [2]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Autistic Matteo, Autistic Matteo Florenzi, Autsim, Canon Compliant, Canon Trans Character, Davenzi, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Sensory Processing Disorder, Trans Male Character, What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo, autism spectrum disoder, autistic author, autistic headcanon, autistic!matteo, references to Donnerstag 11:03, references to Freitag 16:07, references to Freitag 20:25, references to Montag 15:49, self diagnosed autism, self-diagnosis, takes place sometime during season 4 probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-10 01:09:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20126860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleedegrassibigfan/pseuds/Gleedegrassibigfan
Summary: The word “sensory” crossed his mind as he tried to pinpoint just what he was feeling as he laid alone near the middle of the abandoned pool, and with it came a slew of new words that hadn’t left Matteo’s mind since that Wednesday night a week and a day ago.~or~Matteo reconciles with discovering he is autistic and reflects on his week of revelations at the abandoned pool, as David supports him through every complicated emotion and overwhelming thought.





	Only Then I Am Human

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I am back with part 2 of The Brighter That We Shine! The response to that fic was so heartwarming, and I just can't leave Autistic Matteo yet, so part 2! I do have some further ideas for more installments of this, so I went ahead and made it a series, "What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo." (Series title from "Bury A Friend" by Billie Ellish, by the way...)
> 
> Pretty much everything from the last fic applies to this one, so once you have read that, you are good to go! 
> 
> The title is from "Take Me To Church" by Hozier. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Matteo didn’t want to look at the ceiling. It was just a plain white, curved ceiling. Not nearly as interesting as the random assortment of blue tiles and pink blank spaces on the walls surrounding him. He knew if he just turned his head, he could lazily count those tiles, losing count every few moments as his thoughts took him elsewhere. But he had worked hard to position his head just right on the hard tile below him, so he didn’t want to turn his head even a little bit. 

It was sort of painful, bare head pushing down into worn out yet sturdy tile, but at the same time, it felt right. Some weird mix of hating the way his head felt and loving it the fact that he could feel anything at all. Matteo still didn’t know exactly how to describe it, but it was something sensory, that’s for sure. 

The word “sensory” crossed his mind as he tried to pinpoint just what he was feeling as he laid alone near the middle of the abandoned pool, and with it came a slew of new words that hadn’t left Matteo’s mind since that Wednesday night a week and a day ago. 

It had been a few days after Matteo had first brought up googling his symptoms the night of Linn’s party that David and Matteo had finally done it. They had been hanging out in Matteo’s room one Wednesday evening, David sketching away at his storyboard in the armchair and Matteo nearby at the desk searching through the weirdest corners of the Internet to find for new additions to his ever-growing meme library. David had brought it up. 

“I love this project, but I think I need dinner,” David said, setting his pencil down. “How about you? Hungry?”

It took Matteo a moment to register that David actually said something, breaking the near hour of diligent silence. “Hmm, not really, but I could make you something.”  
“You’re not hungry? Mr. ‘Eat or Be Eaten’ Florenzi isn’t hungry?” David was half teasing, but even Matteo could tell that he was gently curious as to how Matteo wasn’t hungry. 

Matteo looked up from the bizarre meme in front of him and began to also wonder how it was possible. He hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch, and he was usually ravenous by this point in the day. He processed for a moment before finally coming to a possible hypothesis. “I guess I am just too focused on this to be hungry. I don’t know, whenever I get really focused on stuff like this I sort of zone out, you know?”

Matteo was sure David knew. David had been around Matteo enough to catch on to his incredible ability to hyper-focus on the tiniest things for hours, days even, while leaving everything else behind, whether it be school work, hygiene, his friends, or, in this case, eating. 

David’s nodded knowingly and paused for a moment before saying, “Do you think that is one of the symptoms to google?”

It hit Matteo out of nowhere, that night sitting hazily at the back of his memory, but the small mention catapulted it to the forefront and he couldn’t help the way his stomach slowly pounded at the thought. Half of Matteo’s mind wondered how it was possible for a stomach to pound, even though it really was the best way to describe the feeling. The other half wondered if the pounding was perhaps the hunger setting in. He pushed those thoughts away, though, trying as hard as he could to focus on the actual moment in front of him. 

“What does that have to do with lights and headaches and all that?” Matteo asked a little nervously, scrunching up his face as he talked. He wasn’t opposed to having this conversation. He knew that it was a conversation that he needed to have. He just wasn’t expecting tonight to be the night. But maybe he should have. Matteo had been around David enough to catch on to his incredible ability to not rest until he found answers, got things right and solved whatever mystery was in front of him. 

“I don’t know, you tell me,” David said, getting up and tossing his storyboard on to the abandoned chair. He approached Matteo, as Matteo watched him curiously. David could no doubt sense Matteo’s apprehension, so placed a firm but loving hand on Matteo’s shoulder. 

Upon feeling the hand press into his shoulder with that signature mix of power and gentleness that David so effortless exuded every moment he was with Matteo, all the hesitation was gone. He was safe in this moment with David. He knew that David was only pushing him to take action because Matteo himself has expressed that he wanted to. Matteo really was ready to start unpacking things. 

Before Matteo had a chance to show that to David by moving away from the laptop or by trying to answer the question that lingered between them, David spoke again. 

“We don’t have to do this if you aren’t ready.”

If Matteo wasn’t 100% down for this conversation before, just from David’s hand on his shoulder, he most certainly was after hearing David’s words. He always knew just what to say. 

Matteo smiled one of his fullest smiles and turned the swivel chair as he got up. “I thought you were hungry,” Matteo said teasingly, sounding so clearly like the dork in love that he was. He flopped down on the bed, still smiling that slightly devious smile of his as David laughed and shook his head. 

“Food can wait, this is more important,” he said seriously after the laughs subsided, taking a seat in the desk chair. He turning it just enough so he could watch as Matteo settled into the bed, one hand moving to rest behind his head while to other hand searched for something to hold. His headphones were the nearest thing, and while he had no intention of listening to anything or even just wearing them, they felt nice in his hands. There were so many little things he could run his fingers along, so many textures to explore, all of which he knew from pasts experiences were safe and even pleasurable. They were perfect for a moment like this. 

“I don’t really know how the stuff with the lights and the stuff with not being hungry are connected,” Matteo admitted after thinking about it for a few minutes. 

“That’s okay,” David said. “You don’t have to connect the dots. That’s what Google does. You just have to find the dots.” 

“Oaky, dots…” Matteo trailed off. Truthful, all he could think about was that meme about connecting dots. Was that Buzzfeed or something? It was a pretty useful meme for certain situations like wh— 

“Stop thinking about the Buzzfeed Unsolved meme,” David said, playful kicking the bed when he noticed Matteo was slipping away from the conversation. 

Matteo laughed at David’s loving frustration, heart still swelling at how David always knew him and his thoughts so well. He would never get used to the feeling of being loved like that. 

“Sorry, sorry, focusing is hard,” Matteo said.

“Okay, there’s one, focusing is hard,” David said, swiveling around to Matteo’s laptop so he could pull up the notes application and start typing out a list. 

From there it was easy. 

• Focusing is hard  
• Focusing too much  
• Being really hungry or not hungry at all  
• Lights are too bright  
• Sounds are too loud  
• Headaches and stomach aches  
• Can’t socialize as much as most people  
• It is hard to talk sometimes  
• Complicated relationship with touch  
• Panic attacks  
• Everything is just too much sometimes  
• Everything is just not enough sometimes  
• Not very good hygiene  
• Fidgets  
• School was hard  
• Gets overwhelmed easily  
• Gets stressed easily  
• Exhausted 

The list was a combination of things Matteo knew outright, things David had observed and things they discussed and found the words for together that night. It wasn’t a perfect list; Matteo was even sure it was scratched the surface or that it would help them find anything, but David was pretty confident in their list and in his ability to google. So, google he did. 

Matteo zoned out while David was facing away from him, intensely typing and clicking and scrolling and typing over again. Matteo couldn’t even remember where his mind had been, but after a while, Matteo could hear the aggressive keys and clicks quite down. He looked at the back of David’s head for the first time all night and he could feel the shift in the room. David had found something. 

“You know, I though abandoned buildings were my thing,” David called out, echoing through the room. Matteo didn’t move, but his mind snapped back to reality, leaving the memories of that Wednesday night behind for the moment. He had almost forgotten where he was and that David was on his way. 

Matteo hadn’t really meant to tell David where he was or ask him to come to, but they had been texting, and it just slipped. Matteo had been at the pool for maybe an hour when David had texted him a few pictures of his nearly complete storyboard. Matteo’s heart filled with pride at the amazing work David had created, but then his heart shifted to some sort of lovesick ache when he realized that the storyboard was depicting a character who seemed all too familiar. 

M: Daviddd what is this film about?  
D: I can’t believe it took you this long to realize I’ve been drawing you for weeks  
M: opps I’ve had a lot of other stuff on my mind  
D: I know baby :/  
D: How are you doing?  
M: not great…  
M: I am happy we found something but it’s just a lot to process  
M: like I don’t even know how to describe  
M: besides underwater  
D: I’m on my way

Matteo hadn’t even meant it as a code word. He hadn’t meant to signal to David to come find him at the pool like David had those months ago. Underwater was just the best way to describe how he was feeling. Maybe that was why he had subconsciously found himself at the pool. He hadn’t meant to end up their either. He had just been walking around town, needing to get out of the flatshare, and had found himself staring up at that rusted gate. It had been a no brainer. He was going inside. He had never been there alone before, but Matteo could certainly understand why David had escaped there. It was calming, peacefully and the perfect place to avoid the world while also thinking through everything that the world was throwing at you. 

That was all he had planned to do once he got settled on the ground— avoid and think— but then David had texted and all of a sudden there he was, leaning slyly and lovingly against the pale greenish-blue doorway, shaking Matteo away from his thoughts and memories. 

As happy as he was to see him there and so relieving to stop reliving Wednesday night for the millionth time, Matteo wasn’t really ready to be shaken from his silence yet. He had the perfect response swimming around in his head, but he couldn’t bring himself to yell it out loud enough for David to hear. David was clearly not expecting a response since he started walking towards the ladder. Matteo wanted to respond, though, so he pulled out his phone and tried something. He texted David what he wanted to say. 

“I guess the longer we are together the more our things become each other’s things”

David fished out his phone from his pocket, and read the message, smiling and blushing ever so slightly at the message. Matteo could be romantic if he wanted to. And seeing David there, coming to find him in his darkest time, made him want to be romantic. 

But it also made Matteo want to punch himself in the face for being so goddamn needy. 

That intrusive thought spiral was stopped at least for a moment or two by David’s sudden presence as he stood by Matteo, looking down at him. He hadn’t even seen David climb down the ladder and walk to him. But Matteo didn’t care. David was here now and he could convince himself that David being here was all that mattered. 

“Lying on the ground like that can’t be comfortable,” David said, and Matteo shrugged the slightest of shrugs in response. “Do you mind if I lay on your chest?”

Matteo wasn’t sure if David was asking because he genuinely didn’t want to put his head on the hard, dirty tile, or if it was because he knew Matteo would like the pressure on his chest. Probably a little bit of both. It didn’t make a difference to Matteo, who answered a definitive yes by reaching his hand up to grab David and pull him down on top of him. 

As David settled his head atop Matteo’s chest and the rest of their bodies drew closer together like perfect magnets, Matteo felt himself immediately relax. His mind stopped spinning, his stomach stopped pounding, and it was easy to forget the things that had brought him here. 

But the more they laid there, the more Matteo had to think about the fact that they were laying there, escaping to that pool yet again. The more he had to think about the fact that cuddling like this didn’t just make his heart sore and flutter like cuddling was supposed to. It calmed him, it supported him, it made him feel whole in a way that didn’t seem to fit the definition of normal he was too often forced to think about. Cuddling with David like this was more than just an expression of love, it felt like a solution to a problem, a problem he was just starting to understand. 

A problem that had escaped his mind, but always found its way back. A memory that had been whisked away, but picked up right where it left off. 

“What, David?” Matteo had said, propping himself up on the bed a little bit. David sat frozen at the computer, not answering him at all. Matteo wondered if this was what it was like to have a conversation with himself. “David?” Matteo repeated, anxiety growing.

“Sorry,” David said, quickly spinning the chair around to face the bed. “I just, can I come sit with you?”  
“Of course,” Matteo said, sitting up to give David room. He was beginning to really worry. It was like David was about to tell him that he had cancer or something. Did he have cancer? A brain tumor?

David unplugged the laptop and brought it with him as he took a seat across from Matteo on the bed. “Okay, I want you to look at this and please don’t freak out. Just read it.” 

He handed the laptop to Matteo, who wobbled backward a little bit when the weight transferred over to him. He readjusted and turned the laptop around, placing it in his lap.

There was an article on the screen, and David had scrolled down past the title so the first thing Matteo was the sentence, “Often called the sensory integration difficulties or sensory sensitivity, these differences can have a profound effect on a person's life and can lead to significant difficulties.” 

Matteo didn’t understand at first, but he kept reading, and it was like the author of the article was living inside Matteo’s head. Every sentence seemed so profoundly real, like nothing in Matteo’s life was as real as what he was reading. Like he wasn’t even alive until he read each word, every line bringing him back to life after years of slowing dying from the curse that is not knowing. Every sentence was like the most satisfying punch in the gut. 

“…People on the autism spectrum may have the following characteristics:…  
…A person can have both over- and under-sensitivities; this can also alternate…  
…Poor depth perception; clumsiness…  
…Noise is perceived as if through an amplifier…  
…Very tight grip / strong clinging to people - otherwise the pressure on the body can not be felt…  
…Relaxation and well-being through heavy objects (for example, weighted blankets) on the body…”

Matteo read faster and faster, moving through as the author described each sense, all seven of them. He was so overwhelmed by how perfect this felt that he nearly forgot to point out the only problem with this article. 

“David, this is great, but I don’t have autism,” Matteo said, looking up at him, forcing himself to make eye contact. Holding eye contact like that was hard, and Matteo wasn’t really sure why he felt so defensively determined to do so, but he felt like he had to. As painful as it was, he was actually glad he was looking at David like that because David’s face said it all. “Oh,” was all Matteo said. 

He looked back down at the screen in front of him, not really looking at it, but he needed to look away. Autism, that thing that unruly kids get diagnosed with before they even turn three. Autism, that thing where people don’t speak and don’t understand social cues and don’t make eye contact, and oh. 

“Oh,” Matteo said again. It still didn’t make much sense, but it also made all the sense in the world. 

Before he could even realize it, David was sitting next to him, body pressed up close to him, arm draped across Matteo’s slouched shoulders. “I know it’s a lot,” he said softly. “But I think there might be something here.” Matteo didn’t say anything, but he did push into David side and close his eyes in comfort at the weight of David’s arm. He opened his eyes, it hitting him again— “Relaxation and well-being through heavy objects (for example, weighted blankets) on the body.”

“I have another article we can look at if you want,” David said. “Actually quite a few. There is another one from this author, and then this one about the other symptoms of autism.”

“Other symptoms?” Matteo asked, a little surprised that there was more. Wasn’t the sensory stuff enough? 

David placed a hand on the trackpad and clicked on another tab, bring up an English article called “DSM-5 Autism Spectrum Disorder” that David had run through Google Translate so they could both read it. As they did, David scrolled down slowly, looking for Matteo’s subtle nod when he was ready to read the next section. 

As he read, he could feel himself slipping under, into that overwhelmed state where he couldn’t get the words out of his head and he couldn’t process information as well as he needed to. But he was processing enough to know one thing. David had found it. These articles were written about him. 

“…Abnormal social approach…  
…Failure of normal back and forth conversation…  
…Lack of initiation of social interaction…  
…Impairments in social use of eye contact…  
…lack of facial expression…  
…Inability to take another person’s perspective…  
...Focused on the same few objects, topics or activities…”

When they reached the end of the article, Matteo closed the laptop and crumbled into David’s chest. David pushed the laptop out of the way, then wrapped Matteo up in his arms, pulling him close. He pushed a gentle kiss into his hair, and whispered a genuinely apologetic “I’m so sorry.” 

“Hmm?” Matteo asked, not sure why David was apologizing. 

“I am sorry that it’s so hard to read all of that,” David sighed. “I thought you would be happy to have an answer. That is the answer, isn’t it?” 

Matteo shook his head slightly against David’s chest. He didn’t answer the second question. He knew the answer. H just couldn’t. He tried his best to answer the first question. “I am happy, I think,” he said, wanting so badly to be able to explain what he was feeling. He was happy that there were words for what he was experiencing. He wasn’t making it all up, it was real, all the things he had been feeling and ignoring his whole life. There was a name for it and there were people that wrote articles about it on the internet. It was an answer. And he had been wanting his answer his whole life. But sometimes answers come with more questions. And boy did Matteo have questions. If autism was a kid thing, why was he just now figuring this out? How did he manage to graduate and get a boyfriend if he had this “profound developmental disability?” Why did he not relate to everything on those lists? Where was he supposed to go from here? Was there a pill he should be taking? A therapist who could help him? Some way to actually improve his life? A name was such a win, but it was only a name. Matteo didn’t feel ready to do anything other than have the name— he wasn’t even sure if he was ready to say the name— but that didn’t stop his mind from drowning in all the questions and possibilities. Drowning. All air gone, pressure filling his lungs instead. He felt like he was underwater. 

Underwater. He wasn’t in his bedroom reading articles with David that Wednesday, or alone in his living room reading more articles the day after that or at the park with David reading through Tumblr posts the day after that or reading even more Tumblr posts alone in his bed the day after that, or the day after that and the day after that and after that and after that. No, he was underwater. He was lying with David on his chest in the center on their abandoned pool. 

David. David who had been putting up with Matteo for mouths. David who was always coming to his rescue when the world was too much. David who had spent his valuable time googling Matteo’s symptoms and helping him. David who was so, so remarkably amazing. David who he didn’t deserve. 

“I’m sorry,” Matteo finally said, his quiet voice still somehow echoing. 

David stirred, and Matteo noticed that his eyes had been closed. How long had they been lying there? 

“What do you have to be sorry for,” David asked, matching Matteo’s soft voice, tilting his head to try to look Matteo in the eye. Matteo didn’t look at David. He moved his eyes back to that boring white ceiling. 

“I’m always making you come find me and help me and shit,” Matteo said. 

“Don’t worry about that,” David said. “I promise I am where I want to be.”

“No, but, I’m taking more than I am giving. It’s not fair to you.”

“Matteo,” David sighed. “You are not taking more than you are giving. You do this for me when I need it. Every time, without hesitation. I mean,” David stifled a small chuckle, and continued, “the last time we were here, the roles were totally reversed. I told you that I was underwater and you came to find me, you made me feel loved and understood, then we hid out here until I was ready to face the world again. I see no difference.”

“I guess so,” Matteo said not really believing him. Sure, it was true, but the truth isn’t always enough to kill the guilt that creeps up when love sometimes feels more like caretaking.

“It’s a balance,” David continued. “We need different things from each other, but we need equally and we give equally. And, I can’t speak for you, necessarily, but—”

“I mean, you kind of can,” Matteo said, taking any opportunity to lighten the conversation. It was a healthy conversation that Matteo was thankful to be having, but it still broke his heart to think about all the ways that he needed David and all the ways that David needed him. He hated thinking about the pain that David had been through and would continue to go through. Life just wasn’t fair to make such wonderful people go through such terrible shit. 

David just rolled his eyes and kept on. “But, I don’t do this out of obligation or resentment. I do this because I love you and I want to be there for you and if there is something I can do to make you happier, then I am going to do it.” 

Matteo’s heart warmed, and he couldn’t help but bring his eyes back down to David. When their eyes met, he was so overwhelmed by everything he was going through and all the love he felt for David that all he could say was “same.”

David couldn’t help but burst into laughter at that. It was that one particular laugh he reserved for Matteo. “How romantic,” David said nuzzling back into Matteo’s chest. Matteo brought his arms up around David and held on to him tightly. 

They were like that for a while, peaceful. Matteo’s mind was quite but after some time passed he could help but ask the question that had been on his mind since that Wednesday night. 

Matteo squinted his eyes closed, still looking towards the ceiling and asked, “So, you really don’t mind having an autistic boyfriend?” He knew that David probably thought the question was ridiculous, but Matteo still had to ask. 

“Why would I mind? You’re the person I fell in love with,” David said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, just like Matteo had predicted. But he still pushed, more insecure than he realized. 

“But, like it can’t be fun for you,” Matteo said. “I mean, I am super annoying. I make you eat all my samefoods and I keep you away from parties and I throw rocks at you and ruin your art. And, I mean, I know we have a good sex life right now, but what if that changes? And what if you want kids? How could I raise a kid if I can barely even take care of myself some days? I mean, god, I wouldn’t want to date me.”

“Are you done?” David asked, right on the tails of Matteo’s confession of self-hatred. 

“Um, sure?” Matteo said, confused. “Done with what exactly?”

“Done with trying to convince me not to be with you,” David said. “Because it’s not going to work. I don’t want you to waste your limited energy on moot points.”

“David,” Matteo sighed, squeezing David a little bit as they both started softly laughing again. 

“I’m serious. I love you and nothing is going to change that,” David said, propping himself up a little on Matteo’s chest. When he didn’t say anything in response, David rolled his eyes slightly, and continued with a smile, “Okay, I’ll address your points. Like I said, if there is something I can do to make you happy I am going to do it.”

“Thank you,” Matteo said, as David settled back down, cheek pressed to his chest. 

“Well, we already talked about samefooding at the park last Friday,” David started. 

They had talked about samefooding at the park when David came across an ask about the topic on Tumblr, and Matteo was thankful to call those memories to mind. 

“Oh my god, Pasta à la Luigi!” David had called out, still looking at his phone, as he sat on the ground, back against one of the steps of the river facing amphitheater where he and Matteo had first listened to “Take Me To Church” together. Matteo’s head was in his lap while his body was sprawled out on the patchy grass below. 

“What, what did you find?” Matteo asked, looking up from the 14th late diagnosis story he was reading from the #actuallyautistic Tumblr tag. Turns out, autism isn’t just a kid thing and late diagnosis isn’t just a Matteo thing. 

“Okay, so, it’s called a samefooding, it is ‘the autistic trait of eating the same food over and over and over,” David said. He skipped down a little and kept reading. “It is not just a preference but a need. It is part sensory, part routine driven.” 

“Wow, so I do have a repetitive autistic behavior after all!” Matteo said when David lowered his phone and stopped reading. The sat there just thinking for a moment, then Matteo called out, sitting up a little in excitement, “And my sandwich!” 

“Oh my god, your sandwich!” David responded just as enthusiastically, throwing his hands in the air in a mix of the triumph of finding another samefood and competitive frustration that he had forgotten about Matteo’s sandwich. 

“I know most people think it is so gross, but like, I love it and I, like, I don’t know, I just, yeah, need it. What the fuck, this is so wild,” Matteo said, settling his head back in David’s lap. 

“This stuff is real, Matteo,” David said, fondly, running his hand through Matteo’s hair. “But,” he said a little more smugly as he lifted his phone back up to eye level, “you shouldn’t bash your sandwich. People shouldn’t knock it until they try it.” 

“Wait, so you actually like my sandwich? You weren’t just lying because you were high and in love with me?”

“No! I would never lie to you,” David said. “I mean, I don’t love it, and I don’t need it like you do, but it does have a strange charm. I don’t mind it every once and a while.”

“So, you don’t mind that I eat all the same food over and over and that I only know how to cook those two things?”

“No, of course not Pasta à la Luigi is fucking delicious!” David said, beaming. 

“Well, I’m glad you like it,” Matteo said casually as he went back to reading on his phone. He wasn’t about to express just how happy it made him to hear David affirm what he always considered one of his weirdest habits. But now it had a name. God, it was so exhilarating. 

A few minutes later, David piped back up again. “Wait, did you really think you didn’t have any repetitive behaviors?”

“Well, yeah, I mean I don’t really do routines and, like, I don’t mind change all that much,” Matteo said. “I guess they are right when they call it a spectrum.” 

“I’m glad you are feeling more comfortable with the spectral aspect of autism,” David said, and Matteo could sense a “but” coming. 

“What?” Matteo asked, looking up from his phone again. 

“I know there are definitely autistic things that you don’t experience, but you 100% have more repetitive behaviors than you realize,” David said, trying to tread lightly

“Like what?” Matteo said, getting up from his spot in David’s lap to sit on his knees facing him. He had to level this conversation. He was having a good time, but he wasn’t about to David win this. “Name one thing.”  
“MatteoMonday and FlorenziFriday,” David said instantly. 

“Shit,” Matteo cursed, falling back down into David’s lap. 

“So, I win?” David said proudly, before catching himself. “I mean, sorry?” 

“Yes, you win, don’t apologize. That totally is a, oh what do they call it? I read a post about it a few minutes ago,” Matteo said, aggressively scrolling back up through the tag until he found the post. David just sat there laughing at Matteo’s brief bought of competitiveness that was so easily squashed. David, of course, wanted Matteo to take the lead in discovering this kind of stuff about himself, but sometimes things just went over Matteo’s head. And Matteo had told him he wanted help that night at the party, and then over and over again as they researched together. “A temporal routine! RedInstead99 says it’s called a temporal routine,” Matteo declared, setting his phone down on his chest. 

David nodded and went back to his phone. While David read, Matteo contemplated some of those things that he thought didn’t apply to him. If he had missed repetitive behaviors, maybe he was missing more things. It had always been pretty easy for Matteo to make friends and he didn’t have much trouble understanding sarcasm or social cues, so he didn’t think it was missing anything there. He thought his speech had always been pretty normal, though it did occur to him that he was pretty soft-spoken and did have those times where he would sort of go nonverbal. But it was the realization about emotional dysregulation that prompted Matteo to speak again. 

“Shit, I do have emotional issues,” Matteo said, calling David’s attention again. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, like, I am terrible at remembering all the terms, but um, emotional dis- something,” Matteo said, tapping his chest a bit trying to call the name to mind. 

“Emotional dysregulation?” David asked. Matteo knew that David would have the answer right on the tip of his tongue. As far as Matteo was concerned, David was the smartest person on the planet. 

“Yes, emotional dysregulation,” Matteo said. “Like there was this one time I totally just yelled at the boys for no reason. I mean, I kind of had a reason, I wasn’t doing well and I was high and in the closet and I thought you hated me and they wouldn’t shut up about fucking girls, but my yelling was sort of way out of line.” Matteo told the story in a very blasé tone but stopped dead in his tracks when he realized another time he had displayed emotional dysregulation. “Oh my god, David, I am so sorry!” He said loudly and intensely, getting up once again, but this time facing away from David as he spoke. “That time I came to find you at the pool I just yelled at you like a crazy person! You had just been through all that terrible stuff and we had barely had a chance to talk and I just yelled at you. Fuck, Matteo, why weren’t you nicer to the one person who is actually nice and real with you, fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Matteo, Matteo,” David said, reaching out for Matteo who was still cruising himself and beginning to shake. He grabbing his arms firmly. “You are doing it right now, too,” he said as he turned Matteo around to face him. “Yeah, you yelled, and yeah, it probably was emotional dysregulation. It maybe wasn’t the gentlest way to deal with me in that moment, but honestly, it was fine. I sort of needed someone to snap me back to reality. I mean, I hated seeing you so angry, and it was kind of scary because I didn’t know what you were going to say, but at the end of it you told me you loved me and it all worked out.”

“I am so sorry I scared you,” Matteo said, trying frantically to calm down. 

“Just breath, in and out,” David said, soothingly. Matteo found some air again and closed his eyes to center himself. He reached out to David, and placed his hands on his sides, letting David pull him tenderly on to his lap. Matteo laid his head on David’s shoulder and worked up the energy to speak again. “But the thing is, I wasn’t angry, I was so in love with you and I just didn’t know how else to express it.”  
“Love is a big emotion,” David said softly now that Matteo’s face was just inches away from his. 

“I think I’ve got better at expressing it,” Matteo whispered, trailing off as he leaned upward to use what was left of his energy to kiss David softly, letting David take the lead once their lips were together. 

They had kissed a million times before, but it never ceased to amaze both David and Matteo how much weight a kiss could carry, and how each one told a unique story. Some were playful, others were sweet, some were downright sexy. But this one like any of those. It was just what Matteo needed in that moment. This kiss was all about love, about acceptance. It was just what David wanted to tell him that moment. This kiss was about saying, “I see you, and I love you not in spite of who you are but because of who you” and about making sure that Matteo knew and never forgot that their love is beautiful, powerful and entirely unconditional. 

That is what that kiss that day at the park in-between Tumblr posts and realizations meant, and it is also what David’s monologue to Matteo that afternoon in the pool meant. 

“So, you know I love your samefoods, even your sandwich,” David continued as he laid comfortably on Matteo’s chest surrounded by the very walls that had absorbed the sounds of their love again and again, from their first kiss, to Matteo’s misplaced emotional yells to the whispered love confessions just moments after. “I love when you cook for me. I love when we spent time together. Sometimes that time is at a party, but it doesn’t always have to be. Sure, parties are fun, and I like catching up with people and dancing and all that, but those things are no match for you. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest that our nights have to be quieter, in instead of out, just to two of us as opposed to with everyone. I actually prefer it that way. Matteo, I love the life that we are building together. And obviously I don’t wish upon you pain, and I hate seeing you upset or overwhelmed or scared, but I am never going to stop loving you because of it and it is my absolute honor to get to be there for you in those moments. And I know you are scared about the future. I am too. I have been for a long time. I mean, kids are an overwhelming thought for me too. But let’s just take it one step at a time. Get through day by day, minute by minute. We’ll make things work no matter what. We always have, we always will. If things change in our sex life or our life in general, they will change and it will be fine. I don’t care what our life looks like as long as it is ours,” David paused for a moment, looking up to Matteo. David made eye contact, and for the first time in a long time, and maybe just for that moment, it didn’t feel like climbing a mountain for Matteo look him in the eye right back. “I love you, Matteo. You are funny and sweet, and you add so much excitement and joy to my life. You support me through everything and I don’t know what I would do without you. There is no one I’d rather be doing this with. So, no, I don’t mind that you’re autistic. I love my autistic boyfriend for everything that he is.”

Matteo’s mind and heart were overflowing with so many emotions and thoughts that he had so little grasp on. He was overwhelmed in the best way possible. All he knew what that he had no idea how to say anything in response to that, but he that he didn’t need to. He just held David tighter and reached for his hand. David let him take it, and they worked together to interlace their fingers. They both held on and had no intentions of ever letting go. 

“And for the record,” David continued, still softly but with some of his signature smugness taking over for the loving, emotionally tone. “I am really proud of you for calling yourself autistic. You haven’t done that all week.” 

Matteo cracked just a little bit of a smile. “Okay, you need to stop saying sweet things or I really won’t be able to handle it,” he said, still quiet but with more volume then he realized he had the energy for. David just laughed that special, private laugh of his, which just made Matteo ever further gone than before. After a moment of deep breaths and hand squeezes, he whispered, “But thank you.” He paused, finding David’s eyes again for a brief moment, before fluttering his eyes down. “It’s still hard to say. I know it is true and I’m actually pretty relieved to know, but it is still hard. But I want it to get easier.”

“It will. It will get easier,” David said, trying so hard to convince Matteo that everything would be okay someday. Not perfect, not fixed, not cured. But okay, good, great even. Matteo could feel the message radiating from David’s voice in his ears and his hand in his, and for the first time, Matteo could almost believe it.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all, I didn't even mean to do the minute by minute thing! David just said it and I literally screamed at how perfect it was!
> 
> All the articles and posts they reference in this are real (except for the one about temporal routines because the only post I could find about that was my Autistic Matteo Headcanon post and obviously I couldn’t have them read that post). I used my VPN to try and find resources that David and Matteo might realistically come across, as well as my go-to list of autistic traits. I also used my own post and the notes I did back then as a reference point for writing this fic haha!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! :) 
> 
> https://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=https://autismus-kultur.de/autismus/autipedia/wahrnehmung-autistischer-menschen.html&prev=search
> 
> https://translate.google.com/translate?depth=1&hl=en&prev=search&rurl=translate.google.com&sl=de&sp=nmt4&u=https://autismus-kultur.de/autismus/wahrnehmung-foerdern-umgebung-anpassen-so-kannst-du-helfen.html&xid=17259,1500003,15700023,15700186,15700190,15700256,15700259,15700262,15700265 (they didn’t really talk about this one, but David did mention it and if I do a part three, it will probably come up…)
> 
> https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/Screening%20Tools/DSM-5%28ASD.Guidelines%29Feb2013.pdf
> 
> https://candidlyautistic.tumblr.com/post/159396228990/what-are-samefoods
> 
> https://gleedegrassi-bigfan.tumblr.com/post/185083197859/the-autistic-matteo-headcanon-i-didnt-know-i


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